Free Jim Sorgi

Have you guys heard about this?

2009-07-07T20:52:00.001-04:00

http://illiterateblog.blogspot.com/

Mailbag Answer Time

2009-07-02T23:48:00.006-04:00

I don't care if anyone needed any more time, I have a schedule to keep up. Here we go:

Here, we have few questions from Stew.

"That looks like a fake e-mail address, so I'm just going to put my questions here, okay? Why are you so obsessed with Jim Sorgi? I googled him & still don't even know who he is (some football coach or back up QB). Have you seen "The Hammer" yet? Does it make your top 100 movies?"

It is not a fake e-mail and no, you may not put your questions here. Jim Sorgi is the Colts backup QB. Leave him alone. No, I have not seen The Hammer. I love Adam Carolla, but I heard that movie is terrible. Maybe it's not, I'll probably see it soon.

The next questions come from 11825code6.

"Brace yourself, because this question is 1000% serious. Personally, I've told one soul (outside of the internet fam) that I have a blog. It's like I'm ashamed of it. Do you feel your blog is like a third testicle? Is having a blog the status symbol death knell? Have you seen Terminator Salvation? It's worth seeing because you will never see plot holes that huge in a movie in your life. Down the road, do you think powers combined (you, me, BBC, maybe that black kid aaron, grizz, cw, etc.) could make the most retardedest blog ever? Down the road of course. What about Toys-R-Us? Do you need a lid? Soup or plastic? "

I have told one friend about my blog, and that was on accident. Yes, it does cause bad social things. I don't want to be compared to Perez Hilton. I have not seen Terminator, but I have heard all of that. Yes, that blog is possible. It would also be the most popular thing ever, so don't talk about it like that. I envision it becoming a Youtube channel where we have 50 views per video, but keep doing them because we have no lives. It will be a sad time. Toys-R-Us is a fine establishment. I don't need lids, I have a phobia for lids. Plastic, please.

Next from Bring Back Chad.

"What are we going to do about that new site?

What is your favorite torture technique?

Would you rather kill Shia Lebouf or have Jim Sorgi become a starter?

Was Hitler bad? (don't answer this?)

Who is your favorite person on PT?

How bad is BBC's blog?

Favorite person to make fun of?

Favorite musician?

Best drug?

Answer EVERYTHING"

I plan on destroying the new site, eventually. I like to torture people with compliments. It really gets to people when you say nice things. I want Jim Sorgi as a starter, Shia isn't that bad, as long as he stays out of movies. And TV. And radio. I never knew Hitler, and I know the media is hyperbolic about everything, so I'll just reserve judgement on him. My favorite PT person is Knepp. Such a cool guy. BBC, your blog is awfulness + terrible. I really like to make fun of everyone. I don't know who my favorite musician is, ask someone else. I don't do drugs, I'm too uncool for that.

Finally, Aaron has a few questions.

"What is your middle name?

If I had a question, but was afraid to ask it, what should I do? This is my question, just so you know.

Yesterday, I saw a deer in my backyard. I watched it for about 5 minutes and it didn't pee like my dog does when he's in my room. My question is, do deers even pee?

Is Michael Jackson what you would call a pedowolf? Is he as much of a pedowolf as Pedowolf himself

Whenever I drink hotsauce, my mouth burns with rage. Then I stick my tongue near a fan and turn it on high, and when that doesn't work, I move closer until I feel chips of my tongue in my mouth. What am I doing wrong?

Can I find disco sticks at the Party City?"

My middle name is Russell. Don't tell anyone, it's a secret. Don't ask a question that scares you. Don't do anything unless you know what the exact consequences will be. Never have sex. Michael Jackson is dead, have a little respect. Hot sauce is awesome, so take it like a man. I don't know what disco sticks are, Yahoo! Answers only gave me vulgar answers. Ask Lady Gaga.

That's it. See you next time.

Shocking News: Megan Fox is smarter than Michael Bay

2009-07-02T22:08:00.002-04:00

http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/us-magazine-megan-fox-bay.html

This is an amazing read. These quotes actually made me lose respect for Bay. I didn't even think that was possible. He's actually reached a lower level of awful. You see, Megan Fox basically pointed out how terrible Michael Bay and Transformers are. He didn't like that. Not. One. Bit.

"Well, that's Megan Fox for you," Bay tell the Wall Street Journal. "She says some very ridiculous things because she's 23 years old and she still has a lot of growing to do.

"You roll your eyes when you see statements like that and think, 'Okay Megan, you can do whatever you want. I got it,'" he goes on.

"Nick Cage wasn't a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in 'Armageddon.' Shia LaBeouf wasn't a big movie star before he did 'Transformers' -- and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from 'Bad Boys'," he points out.

"Nobody in the world knew about Megan Fox until I found her and put her in Transformers," he says. "I like to think that I've had some luck in building actors' careers with my films."

This guy actually takes the credit for building the careers of Cage, Affleck, LaBeouf, and Lawrence. Will Smith is the only one that's been in a few decent movies. Cage has Raising Arizona. Affleck has his brother Casey. LaBeouf has Holes. And Lawrence has a.......fat lady suit? I'm not sure I would want to be held responsible for those careers. Especially when all those guys already had solid gigs(?) before Michael's garbage movies, I think.

Michael Bay, you truly are the scum of the Earth.

Mailbag time

2009-07-02T02:09:00.001-04:00

I have officially run out of ideas. Send me questions at J_R_K_93@yahoo.com. I will answer them all in one of my next posts. Maybe I'll think of terrible ideas soon.

Is Bill Maher really a comedian?

2009-06-30T20:00:00.003-04:00

Okay, so this is a guy with the show that seems like it's just like the Daily Show with Jon Stewart or Colbert Report. The thing is, only the Colbert Report is funny. These other two try to be funny, but their popularity has completely gone to their head. Now, they're trying to spread political and religious messages. Jon Stewart isn't nearly as bad as Bill Maher. The Colbert Report is still awesome, because he doesn't take himself seriously.

I'm not complaining because I'm Christian. I'm okay with jokes mocking anything. I try to ignore my beliefs when I listen to comedy, but Maher is not funny. Also, he laughs at all his awful jokes. ALL OF THEM. I recorded one of his shows and these are the EXACT words:

"Hey ladies and germs*laughs* Tonight I'm going to take a look into George W. Bush's mind.........TO SEE IF I CAN FIND ANYTHING!!! *huge laughter by Bill* Tonight, we were going to have a smart, religious guest......but none exist!!!! *laughs a lot, almost faints* I'm also going to surround myself with a bunch of people that will agree with every word I say. We're going to talk about how Obama's new plan is awesome.

*sits down with buddies*

So, how much did you love what Obama said?

*everyone agrees, talk for five minutes about how cool he is*

It sucks though, I had a hilarious joke lined up if he said something bad. I would've said he George Bush'd it!

*everyone laughs and starts crying*

Anyway, all forms of religion are stupid. If you are religious, then you probably got dropped on your head as a baby!!!!! *laughs*

Well, that's our show. Please join me next time when I'll show you a clip of George Bush struggling to read a child's book! Don't miss it! *laughs*"

That's word for word.

Will Leitch should stop writing

2009-06-30T17:33:00.003-04:00

http://deadspin.com/5303475/which-sports-death-would-affect-us-like-mjs

This is terrible. I don't like Will Leitch. This article is further proof of that. Here's his list(the bad ones) of sports deaths that would be the most shocking:

Muhammad Ali

Really? How shocking would it be for a 67 year old with Parkinson's disease to die?

Charles Barkley

Meh, more hookers for us.

Steve Bartman

This is the dumbest thing I've ever read. No hyperbole. This is the worst. Will pretends like Cubs fans have to apologize for this. There are some fans who went overboard, but for the most part, it's the douchebags in the media like Will who for some reason need to put him in every story no matter how little sense it makes that need to apologize. Blaming Bartman for 2003 is idiotic.

Pete Rose

I'm not sure what would be shocking at all about this. He's 68 years old, has a history of anger problems, and has a gambling problem. I'm surprised he's still alive.

Vince Young

What? The other ones at least had a little sense(besides Bartman) behind them, but this is bad. He was a star in college, and sucks in the NFL. The only thing that makes him bigger than all those other busts is that he has some emo mental problems that make him want to kill himself. How would this be more shocking then someone like Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, or hell, any other NFL player ever?

Milton Bradley vs. Lou Piniella

2009-06-27T02:21:00.003-04:00

http://blogs.chicagosports.chicagotribune.com/sports_hardball/2009/06/did-piniella-and-bradley-have-it-out.html

I would've liked to be a fly on the wall during that little fight, but I got the next best thing. I interviewed said fly. Here's what went down:

*Milton Bradley enters room stage right. Proceeds to punch cement wall, breaking his hands. Lou comes storming behind.*

Lou: What the hell is wrong with you?

Milton: I wanted to murder that umpire that called me out, but Mr. Hendry says that if I kill another person I might not get that extra $50 million.

Lou: Why are you so bad this year?

Milton: I don't know, I guess I'm just a bust.

Lou: But, you can bat left-handed???

Milton: Lou, you really overrate that.

Lou: Excuse me? You can smash up whatever you want, you can be a mediocre hitter, but I will not stand for that!

*Milton throws bat at Lou. Lou dodges it. Mike Fontenot enters room.*

Mike: Lou, have you seen my booster seat anywhere?

*bat hits Mike in head, kills him*

Lou: ....we're even now, but I still have to punish you severely. Go home now. Be ready to start tomorrow.

Milton: That's it?

Lou: Yeah, we can never have too many left-handers.

Geovany Soto: WOAH! Guys, where did Superman go?

Milton: What?

Geovany: He was just here, I swear I saw him.

Lou: What did I tell you about getting in my stash?

Geovany: Don't tell me what to do, mom. You're always trying to run my life!

Milton: Can I?

Lou: Be my guest.

*Sound and light slowly fade out as we see Milton beat Geovany to death with a helmet.*

END SCENE

Punch Drunk Love Review

2009-06-24T00:06:00.005-04:00

Oh my God, I love love love LOVE this movie. It may be one of my top ten favorite movies of all-time. I'm surprised how great Adam Sandler was. His character might be my favorite main character ever. Simply awesome.

I mean, they had a scene like this:

"I'm looking at your face and I just wanna smash it. I just wanna effing smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it. You're so pretty.

I want to chew your face, and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them and chew them and suck on them.

*pause*

Okay. This is funny. This is nice."

and it was extremely romantic. Great.

Grade: A

There Will Be Blood is also amazing.

Grade: A

Tony Larussa and Twitter

2009-06-24T00:03:00.002-04:00

Late to the party, but this is hilarious.

"Alas, the days of Twitter’s innocence in hijacked celebrity accounts may have come to an end. Tony La Russa, the manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, is up in arms over the fact that someone other than him tweeted under his likeness and that Twitter permitted it. In fact, he’s so pissed that he’s taking Twitter to court.

So what’s the fuss all about? Apparently the individual tweeting as Tony La Russa (@tonylarussa was removed after the lawsuit was filed) made statements that the real Tony didn’t appreciate. So he’s suing Twitter and the causes of action include trademark infringement, trademark dilution, cybersquatting, misappropriation of name and likeness, invasion of privacy, and intentional misrepresentation."

And this is how they settled it: "La Russa said Friday that Twitter has agreed to pay legal fees and make a donation to his Animal Rescue Foundation."

Here's some of the tweets(?).

I want to marry the person behind this.

Big Bunch of Movies Review

2009-06-20T15:05:00.002-04:00

I've seen a bunch of movies lately, now I will review them with terrible writing skills for no reason at all. Here we go!

Juno

I saw this movie a long time ago, but I never reviewed it. This movie was incredibly popular. Critics really, really loved it. I did not. The main character, Juno, is very annoying. She just spends the whole movie name-dropping random bands and tearing people apart with her awful zingers. Every character had so many one-liners, they didn't even seem like real people. Now, there were some parts of the movie that worked. But it was very small parts

Worst lines: "Shut your freaking gob!" "Honest to blog?" Who says that crap? Also, everything Rainn Wilson said.

Grade: C-

Hannibal Rising

What a terrible movie. I'm not sure what everyone was thinking with this movie. Why would you try to ruin a great villain like Hannibal? It's a lot scarier when the monsters don't have a motive for killing. This movie tried to justify some of Hannibal's killings. It made it seem like he was trying to get justice. I don't want to see that. I want to see him be evil and kill anyone, good or bad. Stupid movie.

Grade: D-

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three

The original, I'm sure the remake is going to be awful. I don't want to see John Travolta as a villain. But this movie, it's absolutely awesome. Robert Shaw was awesome as the bad guy. This is a great movie that even has some good bits of humor in it. I recommend it to the five of you that are still reading this on accident.

Grade: A-

No Country for Old Men

I was really excited about this movie because I love the Coen brothers. Burn After Reading was fantastic. This movie was pretty good. Not much more to say. The bad guy was really cool, but I think they spent too much time showing Josh Brolin buying clothes. They probably could have cut those parts out.

Grade: B-

Royal Tenenbaums

Not sure what to write about this one.

Grade: A

Crash Review

2009-06-11T02:08:00.002-04:00

I'm on a movie-watching role here, folks. I've waited a long time to watch this movie. It probably would've been better if I never watched it. This movie is complete crap.

This is supposed to be a deep movie, it's not. It was loved by a lot of people. I'm pretty sure it won a lot of awards, but I'm not going to check. It doesn't deserve a Google search.

The powerful lesson in this movie? Racism is bad.

Grade: D-

Now go away.

MLB Draft

2009-06-09T22:54:00.002-04:00

The announcers for this are great. I'm pretty sure this is what they said when the Red Sox were picking:

"The Red Sox are going to go after somebody who can help their team, either a position player or a pitcher."

Thank you, I thought they might draft a GM or manager with their first rounder. You know, I heard there are some really talented bat boys available.

Anyway, now it's time to complain about the Cubs. They aren't very good at this. I should be excited about Brett Jackson, because the MLB Network guys kept talking about how great he is. According to them, he is a gamer, hitter, athlete, and he just loves to compete. I'm so excited!

The Cubs basically just got another Tyler Colvin. He projects to be a 4th OF. He strikes out a lot, but doesn't walk much. Just great. Brett also has decent power. He's got the potential to hit 12-20 HRs. He might not even be able to stay in CF. Yay?

I hate the Cubs.

Walk Hard Review

2009-06-08T19:15:00.004-04:00

I can't believe I hadn't seen this movie yet. It is outstanding. But, I love pretty much anything with John C. Reilly. I'm not really sure what else I can say. All the songs are amazing. "Let's Duet" is probably the best, but I loved them all.

Final Words: I love this movie.

Grade: B+

Now, I need to see The Hangover.

Apparently James Franco isn't cool enough for UCLA

2009-06-08T19:06:00.002-04:00

Link!!!

Really? Why did the students complain about him? I didn't realize anyone even cared about commencement speeches. They're so pointless. And James Franco was the friggin' Green Goblin.

And a stoner.

And......he was in other stuff.

Anyway, UCLA must've been mad at the students for this, because they got Brad Delson to replace James. That's right, Linkin Park's lead guitarist. UCLA students are pretty stupid.

But, I guess that in the end, it doesn't really matter. That's funny if you think about it.

More proof that students are stupid.

Bad Lieutenant

2009-05-31T23:33:00.001-04:00

Nicolas Cage openly mocking his entire career? This has potential to be amazing

The Great History of Baseball

2009-05-31T00:13:00.001-04:00

Steroids have recently ruined baseball. The game used to be respectable. It used to have integrity. The players were always clean and great. I wish the game could back to when it was pure.

Remember that loveable fat guy named Babe Ruth? He's widely considered the best player of all time. Three times he assaulted an umpire and twice he charged into the stands to attack fans, but he did it all clean(maybe). True American Hero.

What about the great Ty Cobb? He would never ever cheat. He got his strength and batting skills from slashing black men for being "uppity." Another workout he liked was going into the stands to beat up handicapped hecklers. He also sharpened the spikes on his cleats to intimidate the infielders. He got in a fight with a groundskeeper, but don't worry, he didn't only fight men, that'd be sexist! He also choked the groundskeeper's wife for intervening.

Rogers Hornsby and Tris Speaker were both members of the 3 K's clan(I guess that's a bad word). Many others around that time probably were, too. Cap Anson refused to play with black players.

Okay, I'll talk seriously now. The game has never been all that respectable. It may have never been pure either....

Players have always been trying to get an edge using anything they could get. Hank Aaron even said he used greenies! Here's a quote from his book, I Had a Hammer: "Actually the 1968 season wasn't the best time to present my case. It was the first time since my rookie year that I didn't drive in or scored 100 runs. I was so frustrated that at one point I tried using a greenie that one of my teamates gave me."

IMPURE!!! IMPURE!!! IMPURE!!!

While he only admitted to using it once, why shouldn't we suspect him of using it more? Why should we assume he didn't use steroids, amphetamines, or HGH? If we look at some of his numbers, he even fits the profile of a steroid user.

Aaron hit 29 HRs at 34 years old, 44 HRs at 35, and hit a career high 47 HRs at 37, and 40 HRs at 39. Some of his best power years were past his prime.

Doesn't that look suspicious? He only broke the HR record because he was able to play at a higher level longer than most players. People have already said that steroids helped Bonds prolong his career. I guess Aaron is dirty, too.

Interesting quote from Tom House, the pitcher who caught Aaron's recording-breaking HR:

"I actually think that the game is cleaner today than when I was playing,'' says former major league pitcher Tom House, who pitched in the 1970s and was later Nolan Ryan's pitching coach. House says that he used steroids because "In my case, I was doing everything I could just to survive, but the steroid use ended up backfiring on him....Every generation of players -- the '20s, '30s, '40s on up -- everybody was looking for a way to get the most out of their bodies, and they took whatever they possibly could. It was almost expected. . . "

Link:http://community.foxsports.com/blogs/socalsportsfan/2007/06/22/The_X_Files_Hank_Aaron

People seem to think that steroids have only been around recently. That's not true at all. They've been around for quite some time. Many of your heroes were probably not pure.

Hopefully this doesn't come back to bite me

2009-05-27T20:07:00.001-04:00

Why not?

2009-05-26T20:26:00.002-04:00

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AiF6FTvvuw7rXSeNxlJP5czsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090526171617AA8MHEN

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjQAG_zmadSq2ZdIEgWFOYbsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090526171954AAyNoVv

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmREaQ8a7k6LUJtSf.K7E9Ku.Bd.;_ylv=3?qid=20090526172406AAAqfg3

Almost worse than Fred

2009-05-23T21:18:00.000-04:00

Almost.

Why Dusty Baker will forever hate Chris Dickerson

2009-05-20T22:29:00.002-04:00

These are his numbers before tonight's 1-1 game:

91 PA, 15 BB, .230 AVG, .363 OBP

Quit clogging the bases, dude.

Ryan Church

2009-05-18T22:03:00.002-04:00

We really could use FJM right about now...

2009-05-18T20:50:00.002-04:00

Jerry Crasnick just wrote an incredible article about Juan Pierre. I'll do my best FJM style post.

The mayor of JuanPierreWood, an idyllic subdivision of Chavez Ravine, believes in giving an honest effort for a day's pay.

One has to wonder how long it took Jerry to come up with this clever sentence.

He's making $10 million this year. If you compute the extra time he logs in the batting cage, the weight room and the outfield shagging flies, it works out to about eight bucks an hour.

Really? Well, it takes a pretty easy calculation to find that if he worked every hour of the year, he would earn over $1,000 an hour. I have three theories on this one:

A. Jerry Crasnick is really stupid and can't tell time at all.
B. Jerry Crasnick was trying to be funny again.
C. Juan Pierre is so fast that he is able to turn back time like Superman, giving him more time to train.

Wait a second, what exactly does Juan Pierre do in the weight room?

The previous mayor -- back when the place was called Mannywood -- was also deadly serious about his work ethic. But he did some bad things and had to go away for a while. He'll return Friday, July 3, at Petco Park in San Diego at 7:05 p.m. Pacific time, for those keeping score at home.

Oh dear God, stop trying to be clever.

Juan Pierre knows full well that no matter how many hits he accumulates or bases he steals in the next six weeks -- no matter where the Dodgers stand in the National League West -- many of the fans who filled those Mannywood seats in left field will be stricken with Manny Ramirez fever as the big day approaches.

It sounds like Juan realizes that he sucks. He must know how much better Manny Ramirez is. Good for him.

"The fans have treated me well at Dodger Stadium," Pierre said, "but I think they're patiently awaiting Manny's return. I know that. I'm a fan of the game, too, and I know baseball. But there's no sense worrying about something when you can't control it."

Oh, but there is, Juan, becuase Manny Ramirez was pretty dang important to your offense. You aren't.

It has been 11 days since Ramirez received a 50-game suspension for violating Major League Baseball's drug policy, prompting fans to respond with a mixture of anger and sadness, columnists to rage about the ongoing steroid scourge, and Dodgers manager Joe Torre to reshuffle his batting order.

Pierre, inserted into the lineup on May 7, is playing like a guy who's trying to recoup all the hits he lost while missing 43 games in 2008. He's batting .465 (20-for-43) with six stolen bases since replacing Ramirez in left field.

In 83 plate appearances this season, Pierre has struck out twice. In a 12-5 victory in Florida on Sunday, he even received his sixth career intentional walk.

Was he in a disguise? And thank God he doesn't strike out, 4-3s are all the more soothing.

The Dodgers were hoping Pierre could fill a void. For the first 10 games, he's gone all Rickey Henderson on them.

Unfortunately, they need someone who's actually good.

"The way he prepares himself, he's always game-ready," second baseman Orlando Hudson said. "When you see him sitting out for a while and then you look at his numbers and what he's been doing jump-starting the lineup, it's phenomenal."

"He's always game-ready." I love that so much. Other players aren't ready for the game, but he is. Juan Pierre, you are an inspiration to us all.

Torre essentially had two options when Ramirez began his suspension. He could have kept shortstop Rafael Furcal at leadoff and Hudson in the No. 2 hole and plugged in Pierre lower down the order. Or he could have opted for Plan B and gone with a track team in the first three spots.

I prefer actual batters over a track team, but I guess everyone has a right to their stupid opinion.

Pierre spent his first two games batting ninth behind the pitcher.

Hey, good move!

Then Torre changed course May 9 against San Francisco, moving him to leadoff.

Oh...

Under the new configuration, Furcal is batting second and Hudson is hitting third, where he had logged more than 700 career at-bats in Toronto and Arizona.

The new-look L.A. lineup brings to mind the 1985 St. Louis Cardinals, who won 101 games with Vince Coleman batting leadoff, Willie McGee hitting second and Tommy Herr driving in 110 runs on eight homers in the No. 3 spot. Torre agreed that Los Angeles' new lineup has some of that old St. Louis appeal, "minus the AstroTurf."

Okay, I guess you have a point. That .655 OPS that Coleman put up is about what I would expect from Pierre. Good call.

The Dodgers have outscored opponents 40-14 in the first inning this season, so they don't give other teams much room to breathe.

And then the other team realizes that they are, in fact, allowed to score in the other 8 innings.

"You stack those guys, especially two of them [Hudson and Furcal] being switch-hitters, and they can cause some problems," Torre said. "When Manny was here, there was a lot of conversation about protecting Manny. 'Who's going to hit behind him?' But the protection part comes from who's on base when he hits."

No, the protection part comes from lineup protection being worthless.

Pierre isn't exactly Joe Softball Player. From the start of 2001 through the end of 2007, he racked up 1,378 hits -- more than any big leaguer not named Ichiro Suzuki. For point of reference, Derek Jeter, Albert Pujols and Miguel Tejada ranked third, fourth and fifth in the majors during that span.

Awesome! Now, imagine if he actually had good numbers in stat that was worth something.

But all those knocks don't translate into much of an on-base percentage. During the past four years, Pierre hit in the .280 to .290 range annually with an OBP around .330. Those numbers reflect a very competent big leaguer, but they won't save a guy from criticism when he's making $44 million on a five-year contract.

WHAT?!?!? But you were just defending him, now you go and point out that he's not very good? What's going on?

After the Dodgers signed Andruw Jones last year, doled out more playing time to prospects Andre Ethier and Matt Kemp and acquired Ramirez in a July deadline trade, it was inevitable that Pierre would be spending more time riding what he calls the "piney woods."

You can add "making up clever names for baseball things" to his list of training.

Pierre played 162 games every year from 2003 through 2007, and his lack of an "on-off" switch made it hard for him to accept all that bench time. He didn't win any public relations points in August when the team asked him to move from left field to center to accommodate Ramirez, and he told reporters, "All I've ever done is be Juan Pierre when I wear this jersey. They're sticking it to me this year for whatever reason."

He only lost public relations points for that? He should've been shot for saying something so stupid.

It was natural to conclude that Pierre was pouting. But he's quiet even during the best of times, so his internal struggles did little to alter the clubhouse dynamic. Pierre, by all accounts, never strayed from his grueling workout regimen or acted territorially around his teammates.

It didn't cause trouble because no one really cared what Pierre did.

Ethier is Pierre's regular pregame throwing partner, and he said he never felt a sense of resentment from Pierre as they competed for at-bats.

Well, Pierre did try to hit Ethier in the head when he wasn't looking, but his noodle arm made that hard.

"He's been there the whole time for us, especially me and Matt," Ethier said. "We've been there elbow-to-elbow trying to compete for playing time in the outfield. But he's never turned his back and been a guy who says, 'Forget those guys.' He's been really accessible."

Torre, who likes to use veteran players to police the clubhouse, found Pierre to be a willing lieutenant in the chain of command last season.

Well of course Juan liked that. He got to pretend like players had respect for him. He actually felt like he was a useful baseball player.

"Matt Kemp was on a roller coaster with his performance, and Juan was always there," Torre said. "If I needed to get a message to Matt and I thought it would be best delivered by Juan, he wouldn't be like, 'Uhh, OK.' He was very open and made sure when he did deliver it, that it was done in the right way."

Juan and Matt have a secret language. While they use it to deliver baseball messages, they also like to use it to talk about girls.

This year, Pierre has found a new pal in Hudson, who is as gregarious as Pierre is introverted. They crossed paths 10 years ago while chirping at each other in Class A ball, and as self-made players who grew up in the South, they have a lot in common.

Things they have in common:

1. play baseball
2. grew up in South
3. they are black

They might actually be related. Also, this relationship could cause Matt and Orlando to fight over Juan. This could get ugly.

Pierre is from Louisiana, and Hudson hails from South Carolina. Pierre roots for the LSU Tigers, while Hudson cheers for the South Carolina Gamecocks. They've talked about baseball and hashed out their college football differences over fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, candied yams and collard greens at Roscoe's House of Chicken 'N Waffles in Los Angeles.

"Fried chicken."

Listing the food and restaurant they settled their differences at is very relevant.

Hudson smiled when asked who would win a footrace between the speedsters at the top of the L.A. order.

"I think it would be Furcal," Hudson said. "He'd probably edge Juan P., and I would definitely be third. A distant third. Those guys can go."

Before a game in Philadelphia last week, as his teammates lingered in the outfield, Pierre worked up a sweat taking fungoes off the bat of bench coach Bob Schaefer. It's this type of preparation that allows a player to go from bench guy to line-drive machine at the drop of a hat -- or an MLB-issued news release.

For what it's worth, L.A. fans truly seem to appreciate Pierre's earnest approach to the game. Some enterprising Dodger-watchers recently began selling "JuanPierreWood" and "Juan's World" T-shirts online. Word is they're selling like candied yams and collard greens.

Whoever buys those shirts instantly reaches a new level of doucheness. "Juan's World?" Is that supposed to be funny or make any sense?

Ask Pierre whether he would be happy to just concentrate on baseball rather than doing interviews to share his "feelings" about replacing Ramirez, and he lights up like the Dodger Stadium parking lot during a 10-run blowout.

Seriously, stop trying to be clever.

"Oh yeah, I love the game," Pierre said. "Once they say, 'Play ball,' that's the best part of the day for me. I don't need the glitz and the glamour or to be noticed. I've been invisible here for the last month and a half before this. I would rather just keep it that way."

Juan's being payed $10 million, but he doesn't need the glitz and glamour.

It's a little too late for anonymity. The circus is on hiatus, and Pierre is making the best of a bittersweet situation, trying to squeeze in as many hits as possible while Dodgers fans count the days until Manny's return.

It's so amazing how a man can have such dedication to a job that's payed him millions. Especially one where he gets to play a game. What a true American hero. What a warrrior.

Juan Pierre, you are my hero.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall Review

2009-05-16T15:19:00.003-04:00

In one word: Boring.

I kept hearing great things about this movie. I was told it was a fresh, original comedy, but I was fooled just like I was with Superbad. This movie was pretty average. It had a few funny parts, but most of the scenes were useless and stupid. It's a pretty formulaic romantic comedy as far as plot goes.

Most of the good scenes are just some one-liners, but then there's the great dracula song. And some people like it because of Mila Kunis and Kristen Bell, but neither of them are that amazing. It did, however, have Paul Rudd, which is always a great thing.

Grade: C+

btw, Jason Segal has a penis. We get it.

Yahoo! Answers

2009-05-14T22:50:00.000-04:00

Meh.

Mr. Obama, please euthanize everyone that was in this mall

2009-05-12T19:53:00.002-04:00

This is terrifying. If Fred teams up with the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus to take over the world, we may just need to murder everyone that's 13 and under.

So, I lost the election

2009-05-08T17:09:00.001-04:00

Apparently, my class didn't think I was good enough for vice president. Well, let me tell you a little bit about this other candidate that won. He is my friend, so I'll only trash him a little bit.

HE IS A COMMUNIST! I'm not kidding, one day I was joking around about how I was going to win the election with attack ads. I told him I'd make a video calling him a communist. That's when he told me that he wishes America would turn to communism. His reasoning? He doesn't want China to hate us anymore.

Ah, good fun. I guess the political career is not the job for me. Anyone have any suggestions for careers? I'm open to anything. ANYTHING.

Please don't get removed.

See you guys in 10 to 20 years

2009-05-07T22:28:00.002-04:00

http://futurestorm.blogspot.com/2009/05/hr-1966-offend-someone-online-go-to.html

Yeah, if this magically gets passed, I'm done. I can't handle not being able to insult people online. It just wouldn't be fair. How else would I get a false sense of power? It's just not fair.

Also, this would raise taxes a lot. I think. I'm pretty sure taxes pay for jails or something, and we'd need a few more jails for all the 4chan people we'd be arresting. And then, what happens to the Onion?

Let's see if I can be the first one arrested......everyone on Twitter is stupid.

Jeff Francoeur needs a new brain

2009-05-05T22:14:00.002-04:00

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=crasnick_jerry&id=4136793

"If on-base percentage is so important, then why don't they put it up on the scoreboard?"

Now 15% more offensive!

2009-05-05T21:15:00.001-04:00

Many strange things are happening

2009-05-02T01:01:00.004-04:00

I haven't died from swine flu yet, but I'm prepared too. Anyway, here's a really terrible article. Handwriting shows what kind of personality you have. What a stupid thing to say.

Anyway, I have another video. It's very weird. Here it is:

Old habits die hard. So do old rabbits. I guess. That really didn't make sense.

Good night.

The Ferris Bueller Fight Club Theory

2009-04-30T16:35:00.002-04:00

Brad Pitt might be naked here.

"My favorite thought-piece about Ferris Bueller is the “Fight Club” theory, in which Ferris Bueller, the person, is just a figment of Cameron’s imagination, like Tyler Durden, and Sloane is the girl Cameron secretly loves.

One day while he’s lying sick in bed, Cameron lets “Ferris” steal his father’s car and take the day off, and as Cameron wanders around the city, all of his interactions with Ferris and Sloane, and all the impossible hijinks, are all just played out in his head. This is part of the reason why the “three” characters can see so much of Chicago in less than one day — Cameron is alone, just imagining it all.

It isn’t until he destroys the front of the car in a fugue state does he finally get a grip and decide to confront his father, after which he imagines a final, impossible escape for Ferris and a storybook happy ending for Sloane (”He’s gonna marry me!”), the girl that Cameron knows he can never have."

Holy hell. First of all, there's a lot of holes in this theory. Second of all, who the hell over thinks Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Accept it for what it is. A comedy. And a pretty good one.

Great, now you've made me start to analyze this movie. I mean, was the principal insane like Cameron, too? He sure seemed to believe in Ferris. So did everyone at the school. And how did Ferris have a house that the principal could break into? And why was the movie from Ferris's point of view most of the time? Oh God, I need to stop. This is just really weird.

This guy has inspired me to come up with another theory. It's the Transformers Theory. It's goes something like this:

Michael Bay was never allowed to make this movie. He just imagined that he was actually a decent director. No one really wanted to work on this movie. He imagined all the terrible acting in this movie. He imagined the awful script. He even imagined Megan Fox's orangeness.

No one really liked this movie. It's kind of hard to really like this movie. It just seemed like a dare gone too far. Who would let Michael Bay direct a movie like this? It just seems ridiculous. So you see, Michael Bay just imagined all the success Transformers had. None of this was real.

Review of Romeo and Juliet

2009-04-24T13:51:00.002-04:00

Well, I just finished reading Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare. It is about two people who fall in love after seeing each other once. It deals with a family feud. It also deals in tragedy. It is a depressing little play. So much tragedy, so much confusion.

So, I kind of thought the story was cliche. I mean, two lovers who can't be together because of their families? That's been done thousands of times before. I think Shakespeare stole his idea from the hit 1996 Leonardo DiCaprio movie with the same name. That's plagiarism.

Anyway, the unoriginal story isn't the worst part, considering you can't really understand what they're saying. How could people talk like that? It would take hours to get fast food with those idiots talking. My God, just make sense for once!

Also, Romeo is a weird man. He thinks he loves Juliet after seeing her once, when really he just wants to have sex with her. Why would I guy want to marry a girl that quickly? What is wrong with him? It would have been a huge blow to the feud if he put dirty pictures of Juliet on the internet.

All in all, this play provides us with a lot of death, love, hate, and overall confusion that only geniuses can create. It's like Donnie Darko, only it's not 100% terrible. Sidenote: I have not seen Donnie Darko, I intend to keep it that way. Also, I don't like how this play and Fiddler on the Roof give arranged marriages bad names. Does tradition mean nothing to people anymore? My marriage will be arranged, and it will be wonderful.

Grade: Incomplete

Power Rankings: #1-10

2009-04-23T19:08:00.006-04:00

I have recently started to love power rankings, so I'm going to do one for you now. I think someone might have already done this before, but I'll just assume it's original. I hope I'm right. Anyway, on with the rankings.

10. 2

There are so many things wrong with this number. First of all, it's square root is a ridiculous number. Also, this number inspired 2 Girls 1 Cup, which I have not seen and I plan to keep it that way. Also, if a team finishes second in a tournament or playoffs(or in college football's case, a stupid bowl game), everyone talks about how they can't rebound from it and will automatically suck the next year. That is completely stupid and annoying.

9. 9

This number would've been higher if it didn't copy off other numbers. That's right, I've recently discovered that 9 is just 6 turned upside down. There is one good thing about this copycat, 6 combined with 9 creates a joke that never gets old. EVER.

8. 10

It's the only number on the list that's two digits. That's pretty disgusting. Please, get this freak out of here.

7. 5

This number seems too smug for me. It's really easy to multiply, so I think that's driving up it's ego. Okay, I'll come clean. I couldn't think of anything for this one.

6. 3

If you get third in a contest, they give you bronze. We all know they're not rewarding you, they're just trying to keep you from killing yourself for being so terrible.

5. 6

Three of this number creates a number that is for some reason associated with Satan. That is a big risk, but it could end up paying off if that end of the world stuff is real.

4. 7

This number is pretty underrated.....I guess.

3. 4

Having the $ above this one really helps it. Every time I see 4, I think of the money I don't have. Good times.

2. 8

Turned sideways, this number becomes infinity, which kind of breaks the rules, so it'll get penalized for that. Second place is the best it can get.

1. 1

This is the obvious king of numbers. Champions always call themselves #1, so how can any number be better? There has been some controversy when the phrase "First is the Worst, Second is the best, Third is the One with the hairy chest..." was released, but even that can't stop this magnificent number. Bow down before it's might.

Earth Day

2009-04-22T18:09:00.003-04:00

It's finally here! The day I look forward to every year. I mean, what's more fun than people pretending to care about the Earth one day a year? I can't wait to hear people brag about planting one tree because they care so much about the Earth.

Me personally, I don't give a crap about our planet. If it does fall apart, can't we just build a new one? Isn't that what Star Wars was about? You know, with the Death Star? Note to self: Rent The Phantom Menance to fact check.

Here's a list of the ways I celebrate Earth Day. This isn't a power rankings, those are so stupid. Only idiots still do power rankings. Expect a power rankings later tonight to show how stupid those people are.

1. Laugh at people with Earth friendly cars. Come on, energy/solar/wind/soy bean oil cars are jokes. If I ever buy a car(I say if because I assume robots will control our cars in a few years), I will buy one that gets 2 miles to the gallon. I know that hurts my wallet just as much as the Earth, but I don't like my wallet anyway. It smells weird.

So yeah, people with those types of cars are stupid. Why do the job that all those other environment nuts are already doing? They're having fun, so keep giving them pollution to fight. If we don't keep those people outside, they might start talking to us. That's probably not a good thing.

2. Go out to where ever people are cleaning up litter on the side of the road. Take two trash bags full of garbage and dump it on them. It'll show them to stop being nice to the planet.

3. Go to the park and wait for people to plant trees. Bring axe. Whenever someone plants a tree, go run up and chop down one of the already planted trees. Warn the surrounding people at the park(parkers?) that with every planted tree, one gets chopped down. If they ask why, chop down another tree and tell them to leave now. After everyone has left, salt the ground.

4. I can't really think of a 4th one. I guess I could go smash flourescent light bulbs or buy a bunch of plastic bottles.

Have a super fun Earth Day!

Observe and Report Review

2009-04-18T22:37:00.005-04:00

Most of my friends hated this movie, so obviously, I loved it. It so dark and strange in a good way. It's a very hilarious movie. There's really not much more to say.

I guess they could have taken out some of the drunk mom jokes. I felt like it was kind of strange to have that in the middle of all the other great stuff happening. It felt too....Adam Sandler-esque.

The ending is incredible. My god, that was incredible. I won't ruin it for you 1 reader, but it was goooood.

Also, Aziz Ansari makes an appearance in this movie, so you know it has to be good. Random changing of subject, I need to go see Adventureland and Sugar. Those look good.

My Grade: B

I would write some more, but I need to go lay down, because I ate too much Taco Bell.

A new creation

2009-04-14T22:28:00.002-04:00

But first, Yahoo! offers us some more words of wisdom.

That's right, the only way to know if a woman is good enough for you is by looking at her yearbook photo. Makes perfect sense. If I meet the most perfect woman ever, but she didn't smile in her yearbook photo, I will punch her in the face. She deserves it. She didn't qualify as a good wife based on random studies. You can learn everything from Yahoo! One of their articles told me how kids ruin marriages. I love Yahoo!

Now for the new monster.....

What?

2009-04-10T02:05:00.001-04:00

This one really makes no sense.

I'm going to see this movie 25 times....in theaters....on opening night.............

2009-04-08T19:50:00.002-04:00

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1320253/

Oh yes.

I can't believe I'm saying this.

2009-04-06T01:26:00.002-04:00

But I want UNC to win tonight. That's right, I'm rooting for a ACC team to beat a Big Ten team. Why might you ask? If UNC wins, I get a $50 gift card for Amazon. Would I really throw away all my beliefs for $50? Yes.

Tom Izzo: Please miss the game. I can't have you ruining this for me.

Ty Lawson's toe or foot or whatever: You better not mess up anymore.

Tyler Hansbrough: Continue to get cheap fouls called for you. Also, keep looking like an awkward tall white guy. It will be fun to watch you matched up with Suton.

Gus Johnson: You better find a way to announce this game. Please.

The Person who picked MSU to win it all AKA the only person who has a chance at beating me: Please die. And by die, I mean leave the bracket so I can have an easy victory.

Someone needs to stop me

2009-04-04T01:21:00.001-04:00

I have a mission for you

2009-04-02T18:55:00.002-04:00

Kill this guy and anyone who was involved in making this video.

Reward: My respect.

The Worst Thing about April Fools Day

2009-03-31T17:33:00.001-04:00

This stupid Conficker worm. Everyone is freaking out about nothing. Everything's going to be alright. I don't know why people have to freak out about some mega virus when we know it's just going to fall apart. I would love to see it be real and watch the world collapse, but that's not going to happen.

So give it a rest.

Oh Bob Knight, how I love you

2009-03-30T23:27:00.002-04:00

BTW, Big Ten, ftw.

Louisville vs. Big East: 19-2
Louisville vs. Big Ten: 0-2

The Big Ten is +2 in seed win/loss expectations. The Big East is -1 (though this isn't a terribly fair barometer for the conference). The Big 12 is +2. The ACC is -4(lolz). The Pac 10 is +1. The SEC is even.

The Big Ten, along with the Big 12, exceeded expectations more than any other power conference. ESPN, if you're reading this then I bet you're crying right now.

Number of Big Ten teams NOT in the Final Four: 10
Number of Big East teams NOT in the Final Four: 14

Big 10 wins again

Well, I tried.

2009-03-29T02:55:00.003-04:00

Holy Yes

2009-03-23T22:02:00.001-04:00

http://www.andyondvd.com/

Who killed Cinderella?

2009-03-22T21:10:00.002-04:00

The Sweet 16's seeding by bracket:
1-2-3-12
1-2-3-5
1-2-3-4
1-2-3-4

How exciting. The 12 seed isn't even interesting, it's a very talented Arizona team. Meh at this tournament. Meh at everything. Just....meh.

Jesus Christ

2009-03-20T16:53:00.003-04:00

This tournament sucks, please do something about it. I don't even care about my bracket at this point, I never really did, I just wish these games weren't so boring. Please help. So help me God, if we end up with all #1 seeds again, I'll punch something.

NCAA Tournament Results

2009-03-18T19:16:00.009-04:00

I just went 10 years into the future so I could get the results of this year's NCAA Tournament. I won't spoil what life's like in 10 years, thought. *Hint* We're all dead. *Hint* Anyway, here is what is going to happen:

THE MIDWEST BRACKET- FIRST ROUND

1 Louisville over 16 Morehead State

I had a funny joke here about Morehead, but I decided to save it for later.

8 Ohio State over 9 Siena

Ohio State is playing in Ohio and Siena sounds like a girl's name.

5 Utah over 12 Arizona

Arizona is really bad. I would have any other 12 seed winning this game, but not Arizona.

4 Wake Forest over 13 Cleveland State

I really wish Cleveland State got paired with Gonzaga. They would win that game, but not this one.

6 West Virginia over 11 Dayton

I would choose Dayton, but I have too many 11 seeds as it is.

14 North Dakota State over 3 Kansas

You read that right. No, seriously, you did., unless you thought I said Kansas over North Dakota State. Then you read it wrong. I have this strange feeling that Kansas is going to come out slow and ND State's great shooting will give them an early lead and take Kansas right off their game. Don't say I'm crazy, I won't like that.

10 USC over 7 Boston College

Whatever.

2 Michigan State over 15 Robert Morris

Robert Morris was a guy that played for the Colts. Only his name was Rob Morris. That's all I've got.

SECOND ROUND

8 Ohio State over 1 Louisville

I like Ohio State since this will basically be a home game.

4 Wake Forest over 5 Utah

I really don't like this game.

14 North Dakota State over 6 West Virginia

ND State will keep the momentum going....for now.

2 Michigan State over 10 USC

Spartans over Trojans. I'm sure there's a condom joke I could put here, but I'm too mature for that.

REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

4 Wake Forest over 8 Ohio State

I guess...

2 Michigan State over 14 North Dakota State

It couldn't last forever.

REGIONAL FINALS

2 Michigan State over 4 Wake Forest

Yeah, I really like Michigan State.

THE EAST BRACKET- FIRST ROUND

1 Pittsburgh over 16 E. Tennessee St.

I would say this will be a close game, but that wouldn't be funny.

9 Tennessee over 8 Oklahoma State

This is the toss-up game of the first round.

12 Wisconsin over 5 Florida State

*obligatory 12-5 upset* But, this is the most likely one.

4 Xavier over 13 Portland State

I won't give up on my Musketeers...until next round.

11 VCU over 6 UCLA

UCLA isn't very good.

3 Villanova over 14 American

Though it may be unpatriotic to say, America(n) sucks.

7 Texas over 10 Minnesota

Why not.

2 Duke over 15 Binghamton

I really hope I'm wrong.

SECOND ROUND

1 Pittsburgh over 9 Tennessee

Who cares?

12 Wisconsin over 4 Xavier

Xavier has just been really confusing this year.

3 Villanova over 11 VCU

The Communists won't make it to the Sweet 16.

2 Duke over 7 Texas

Typing that made me sick.

REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

1 Pittsburgh over 12 Wisconsin

I like Wisconsin, but not that much.

3 Villanova over 2 Duke

Sooooo much better.

REGIONAL FINALS

3 Villanova over 1 Pittsburgh

Villanova has a better sounding name and I just have a feeling.

THE SOUTH BRACKET- FIRST ROUND

1 UNC over 16 Radford

Radford could have a healthy Ty Lawson on their team and still lose. It'd have to be another guy named Ty Lawson that's likely not as talented, but you get the idea.

9 Butler over 8 LSU

I can't have my Bulldogs lose the first game!

5 Illinois over 12 WKU

Illinois is not going to lose, so shut up "experts."

4 Gonzaga over 13 Akron

I really wish Gonzaga was playing another 13 seed, because they would lose. Too bad they get friggin' Akron.

11 Temple over 6 Arizona St.

Temple has that upset feeling.

3 CUSE over 14 Stephen F. Austin

Stephen F. Austin is a person, not a team.

10 Michigan over 7 Clemson

Clemson has kind of fallen apart recently.

2 Oklahoma over 15 Morgan State

Blake Griffin Blake Griffin Blake Griffin Blake Griffin.

SECOND ROUND

1 UNC over 9 Butler

Sorry, Bulldogs.

5 Illinois over 4 Gonzaga

Gonzaga just sucks, okay?

11 Temple over 3 CUSE

CUSE has burnt me way too much in the past to pick them again. Yes, this is definitely the time to hold grudges.

2 Oklahoma over 10 Michigan

I actually think Michigan could win this one.

REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

1 UNC over 5 Illinois

Yeah, I don't think UNC will need Ty Lawson for this game.

2 Oklahoma over 11 Temple

Did I mention Blake Griffin?

REGIONAL FINALS

1 UNC over 2 Oklahoma

Blake Griffin vs. THE Tyler? Excuse ESPN why they go change their pants.

THE WEST BRACKET- First Round

1 UCONN over 16 Chattanooga

The only advantage I give Chattanooga is that I went there one time.

9 Texas A&M over 8 BYU

Who really cares?

5 Purdue over 12 Northern Iowa

I hate Purdue, but sure.

4 Washington over 13 Mississippi State

I have Washington going to the Final Four, so they have to win this game, right?

11 Utah St. over 6 Marquette

If Dominic James was still alive, I would feel differently about this game.

3 Missouri over 14 Cornell

Cornell must've gotten in on accident.

7 California over 10 Maryland

I like this California team for some reason.

2 Memphis over 15 CSU Northridge

Quick hint, 15 and 16 seeds are pretty pointless.

SECOND ROUND

1 UCONN over 9 Texas A&M

Okay.

4 Washington over 5 Purdue

This game should end with a score of about 10-9 if the offenses get hot.

3 Missouri over 11 Utah State

I don't really like Missouri, but sure.

7 California over 2 Memphis

Didn't I tell you I liked California?

REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

4 Washington over 1 UCONN

They are playing in the West, which is Washington territory if we're talking about the same Washington.

3 Missouri over 7 California

I hate picking this game

REGIONAL FINALS

4 Washington over 3 Missouri

I said Washington was going to the Final Four and I wasn't lying.

FINAL FOUR

2 Michigan State over 4 Washington

I love the Spartans this year.

1 UNC over 3 Villanova

I think Ty Lawson will be healthy.

CHAMPIONSHIP

UNC 65, Michigan State 61

I think Ty Lawson will be really healthy.

I will correctly pick the entire NCAA tournament....

2009-03-17T20:56:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow, I am kind of lazy right now. I am going to try and do a radio thing Saturday night, but I'm not sure how that thing works. It says I have to call in or something, but that sounds stupid. Tell me how it works. I know you want to hear my lovely voice.

North Dakota State 4 EVER!

Cardinals fans are the best

2009-03-12T20:58:00.002-04:00

Awesome.

Watch the rest of this guy's videos. He is just a smart man.

Is this racist?

2009-03-08T03:18:00.006-04:00

Don't ask why I was playing Sims 2. Just don't ask.

Watchmen Review

2009-03-07T19:36:00.005-05:00

I have just seen The Watchmen. Let me start off by telling you that I have not read the graphic novel. This is either because I never felt like it, or because I can't read. You decide. Anyway, this is where I review the movie, as shown by the title of the post. So, I will now begin.

I really liked it. I understand that a lot of people won't like it. Some people will go in expecting a regular superhero movie. That is not what this is. Not. At. All. And some people won't like it just because that's how life works.

Rorshach was pretty much amazing. The actor did a great job and they really made his character cool. I want one of those masks.

Since I already told you I liked it, let me tell you what it's flaws were.

Too much blue penis.
Some strange selections in music(Hallelujah during sex?)
Different ending than novel.
Silk Spectre wasn't that great of an actress, but she's hot, so...

Yes, while I have never read it, my brother told me the ending in the book. While the movie ending wasn't bad, I would've liked to see the original ending. Anway, go see this movie. It is good.

Jared's Official Grade: B-

My Ideas for a New Spoof Movie

2009-02-26T16:18:00.003-05:00

They haven't come out with a new spoof movie in quite sometime, so I thought I would type my ideas out and hope they see them. You may have seen these movies I spoof in theaters recently....

SCENE 1: We open to see the kids from Slumdog Millionaire, and here's the first joke. They're actually midgets! David Beckham look a like then runs by and punts both of them, because midgets flying through air is funny. Then, David Beckham's wife comes by and starts acting all annoying, then eats a crumb and says she's full. You know, because of the anorexia? Then, she starts dancing and singing I kissed a Girl and everyone else joins in even the midgets. End scene 1.

SCENE 2: We open seeing Lil Wayne(yes, played by a midget) singing a song, when Sean Penn look a like comes walking down the street. He is already gay in Milk, so we have that easy joke. They get in an argument and have a dance off and Penn starts dancing all gay and stuff. We have this last for a few hours and then Jason shows up and kills them both. Then he farts.

SCENE 3: We have Mickey Rourke look a like wrestling then we show him with steroids and he gets really mad and angry and turns into hulk and kills people.

SCENE 4(the finale): 50 celebrity references then a bunch of farting.

Andy Richter Petition

2009-02-25T17:18:00.001-05:00

http://www.petitiononline.com/ANDYANDY/petition.html

Sign it.

No Cussing Club

2009-02-24T22:49:00.003-05:00

I know I'm late on this, but seriously, this is ridiculous. Hey kid, it's really sweet what you're doing, but as a high schooler you should really have learned by now that cussing isn't a big deal. No one cares. But anyone that sends this kid a death threat is insane.

Just to show my support, I signed up on their website and left a comment where I wrote, "Hellz yeah!"

I'm clever.

Oops! I crapped my pants!

2009-02-22T21:51:00.002-05:00

I'm going on an incredible adventure

2009-02-14T21:07:00.003-05:00

I am looking for a sidekick to go with me on an adventure. It is very likely that we will both die, but it will be fun!. The monsters we will face, I cannot describe. It will be a hard fight, but I think if we both work together, we can do it!

If you are doubting me, here is my list of accomplishments:

I punched Big Foot in the NOSE.
I climbed Mount Everest twice in one day while HOLDING my breath.
I beat up an iguana.
I stabbed a man in the heart with my FIST.
I ate a steak with my TOES.
I flew around the world in a BOAT.
I am my own son.
I like to talk to to ants.
I have heard every Chuck Norris joke ever, and I'm not really impressed by what he's done.
I start every sentence with the word I.
We could both use matching guns that would make us look like BAMFS.
I once drank lava without a CUP.
I'm faster than a jaguar...with a broken leg.
I am full of adventure and enthusiasm.
I will never give up on you, unless bad guys try to buy you from me.

The NFL is ruined

2009-02-12T15:25:00.003-05:00

Well, by now I'm sure you've heard that Brett Favre is retiring. This is the worst thing to happen to the NFL since Tom Brady broke his knee. We've lost the one player who truly loved this game. He didn't get care how much money he made, how many INTs he threw, how many games he won, all he cared about was having fun. And I guess he had a lot of fun.

He was so much better than all the other QBs in the league. Here's why:

Peyton Manning- He never looks like he's having fun. He's always studying or trying to get better somehow. He refuses to just chuck it deep into the endzone because he doesn't want to throw an INT. All he cares about is winning and ads. It's disgusting. He doesn't he even try to look like a hero by getting hurt and playing through the injury. He has no heart.

Phillip Rivers- Well, Rivers just acts like a total douche.

Kurt Warner- He has God protecting him. That's really an unfair advantage.

Tom Brady- He is the only one who can compare to Brett Favre. I will not talk badly about either one.

Chad Pennington- Something about him having a weak arm.

Drew Brees- He's actually got some Brett Favre blood in him. He'll chuck it down field every once in a while. He's got some potential.

That's why I love Brett Favre.

Yours truly,
John Madden

Steroids

2009-02-08T01:00:00.002-05:00

Okay, so maybe you've heard the news about Alex Rodriguez. If you didn't, he tested positive for steroids in 2003. Here is where I explain why everyone should just shut the hell up and listen to me.

Okay, so some people are saying that ARod, Bonds, and Clemens shouldn't get into the Hall of Fame because they were caught using steroids. This is obviously a stupid thing to say. If they don't make it into the Hall of Fame, there should be no Hall of Fame. They were amazing players with or without steroids.

Hitters and pitchers were both using steroids. It's not like a select few players were using them. Most of the players in the entire league were using them. The pitchers were using them, so shouldn't the hitters be able to? It was a fair playing field for everyone on the juice.

Steroids alone don't make you a better hitter. They reduce your recovery time. You have to put a bunch of work into it to actually get bigger. Even with steroids, you need to have batting skills and you need to work out a lot to see results. I think people forget this a lot.

The thing that drives me nuts(steroids=small nuts, joke=nailed it!) about this whole issue is that no one cares when NFL players get caught. Shawne Merriman tested positive and no one really made a big deal about it. People still treat him like he's some sort of God.

I still don't understand how people can ignore that these guys were great players without steroids. Barry Bonds was amazing, but he used some stuff to make his career longer. Sure, the steroids helped him hit a lot more home runs, but it was his skill that made him so good. The same can be said for Clemens. Can anyone really blame them for using stuff that basically everyone else was using? I can't, so you probably shouldn't either.

There are also some people that want to say that steroids ruined the game. This is a strange thing to say. You're going to tell me that you weren't amazed at what McGwire did in 1998? What about when Barry Bonds took down that record? That didn't ruin the game, it made it awesomer. You're going to destroy all those good memories just because these players were on steroids? Especially when they were facing pitchers that were on steroids as well?

I don't know why ARod needed them, but he's already receive a bunch of hate for being a "choker"(something else we need to talk about). I can't imagine how bad it's going to get now. It's really stupid. The average players are going to get away with it because no one cares, but the truly great ones get their reputation destroyed. This whole mess people are making over steroids has really made me mad.

Okay, so this post isn't very good, but it's midnight so you shouldn't expect anything great. Also, weren't the results of the 2003 test supposed to be kept secret?

Quick, random question

2009-02-04T22:52:00.003-05:00

How can anyone possibly consider Larry the Cable Guy a comedian? I mean, nothing he says is funny. He sings songs about farts and calls people retards. I bet he'd be a really popular 2nd grader. This guy doesn't deserve to be rich. It's just not fair to everyone else on Earth who has to work. At least other comedians think of jokes. I guess GIT-R-DONE is a joke now. This guy and those spoof movies are whats wrong with America. That and a bunch of other crap, but I'll save that for later. You've heard me cry for long enough.

Breakdown of the Super Bowl Ads

2009-02-03T21:01:00.006-05:00

CareerBuilder.com: Tips

That was really annoying. After watching that, I'd rather work at Taco Bell than get a job from them.

Pepsi Max: I'm Good

It's funny cuz people get hurt and then say that they're good. I'm not sure what the moral of the ad is, but OH MY GOD THAT GUY JUST GOT HIT WITH A BOWLING BALL LOLZ!!!

Bridgestone: Taters(the one with the potato guy)
Just kill that b**** already!

Coke Zero: Mean Troy

That was really weird and kind of creepy. Troy Polamalu scares me.

E*Trade: Talking Baby

OMG talking babies! It's always funny. I'm shocked no one's ever made a movie with talking babies. It would be hilarious because it's so original.

Doritos: Power of the Crunch

They just admitted that they will kill you if you don't eat doritos. That's a smart strategy.

Bud Ligh: Swedish

Conan O'Brian instantly equals success.

Hulu: Alec in Huluwood

I guess I have to give this one an A+ since I watched these ads on Hulu.com, but that was weird.

Year One: Trailer

I really hate Michael Cera movies.

Transformers 2: Trailer

I really hate Michael Bay movies.

Cash4Gold.com: Heeere's Money

MC Hammer was in it. That's all that matters.

Super Bowl 43 Preview- Part 10

2009-02-01T17:59:00.000-05:00

THE PICK

Cardinals 20, Steelers 17

HAVE FUN!!!!

Super Bowl 43 Preview- Part 5-9

2009-02-01T17:57:00.004-05:00

I forgot to do these and it's too late now. Part 10 is coming soon!

Super Bowl 43 Preview- Part 4 of 10

2009-01-26T17:06:00.003-05:00

Both teams are officially in Tampa. Are you excited yet? Well, anyway, I'm going to wow you all with some facts that I'll bet you haven't been told about yet. These facts will definitely help you predict the outcome of this game.

But first, a very smart comment that is featured on ESPN.
"I don't know how any non-Steelers fan could actually pick Pittsburgh. I've learned my lesson: Pick Arizona no matter what."
— chitownhoops305

I mean seriously, the Cardinals made it to the Super Bowl, what have the Steelers done? Anywho, here are some facts I bet you didn't know.

The Cardinals and Steelers used to be one team united. If you're too lazy to read the link, the Cardinals and Steelers formed one team because of World War II. Of course, after a few years, they got tired of each other and split apart in the deadly Vietnam War. The Cold War was of course when they tried to get back together, but failed miserably. I have no idea what Desert Storm was. Probably had something to do with the move to Arizona, though. Well, that's your histroy lesson for the day, I sure hope you didn't go to school, because it would have been a waste after reading this.

I know I said facts, but I'm too tired to do more than one. If you want to learn more, I'm sure ESPN will have some stupid useless stories on their front page. Goodnight.

My iPod is stupid

2009-01-24T20:03:00.003-05:00

A few days ago, my iPod's screen went dark. I tried everything to turn it on. I tried recharging it, punching it, yelling at it, talking dirty to it, but nothing worked. Well, today it randomly started working again.

Moral of the story: Slumdog Millionaire is an awesome movie. Go see it tonight.

Super Bowl 43 Preview- Part 3 of 10

2009-01-24T19:43:00.002-05:00

THE TOP TEN STORIES LEADING UP TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!!

10. What will be the funniest commercial this year?

9. Will the halftime performance be any good?

8. What celebrities will be in attendance?

7. How many times will Tom Brady be mentioned?

6. How many times will the announcers say something stupid?

5. Seriously, how did the Cardinals do this?

4. How many players will have an emotional story about how they struggled to make it in the NFL?

3. No seriously, how did the Cardinals do this?

2. Uh, I couldn't think of anything for this one.

1. Who will win the game?

Super Bowl 43 Preview- Part 2 of 10

2009-01-19T21:07:00.003-05:00

Okay, I checked 30 different sports sites and they confirmed that the Cardinals are in the Super Bowl. In this part of the preview, I will talk about the unsung heroes of each team. Are you ready to hear some heartwarming stories?

THE HERO OF THE CARDINALS

Matt Leinart

I know what you're thinking, not really, but that'd be cool. Anyway, I bet you think I'm crazy for picking Leinart, but think about it for a second. If he wasn't so awful, Kurt Warner would've never gotten the chance to start. God would then hate the Cardinals even more and they'd never have a chance at the Super Bowl ever again. Also, I'm sure he supplys the team with all the beer they need. He's such a team player.

THE HERO OF THE STEELERS

Willie Parker

Now, I know Wille Parker doesn't fit into this category because he's actually talented, but he was the best option. His injuries lighten the mood around the locker room. Whenever the team felt down and out of a game, someone just made a joke about Willie being fragile and everyone laughed at him. That's why Willie is an unsung hero. Also, I couldn't think of many Steelers players, so I just randomly picked one.

Part 3 and 4 may come tomorrow...but they probably won't because I'll probably be sleeping.

Super Bowl 43 Preview- Part 1 of 10

2009-01-19T20:51:00.003-05:00

ARE YOU READY?!?!?!?! ARE YOU SURE?!?!?!?! Well, you shouldn't be. For some reason, the NFL decided it would be funny to make us wait for the Super Bowl, thus delaying the amazing Pro Bowl. Dang you, NFL.

Well, in part one of this preview, I will tell you who is playing.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS vs. ARIZONA CARDINALS

Wait, that can't be right. It just can't. I'm going to go do some research, please wait for the second part of the preview.

NFL Championship Game Picks

2009-01-18T22:31:00.004-05:00

Philadelphia vs. Arizona

This will be a good matchup. I think, like last week, Jesus will end up deciding the game. No, I'm not talking about Tim Tebow.

Cardinals 32, Eagles 25

Pittsburgh vs. Baltimore

This is going to be a boring game. I guarantee neither team will get over 10 points

Steelers 23, Ravens 14

Divisional Round Playoff Picks

2009-01-09T21:36:00.003-05:00

Baltimore vs. Tennessee

Yay for low scoring games! It's time for MVP Collins to shine!

Titans 10, Ravens 6

Arizona vs. Carolina

Jake Delhomme has a much better team, but Kurt Warner has God. Hmm....

Panthers 24, Cardinals 20

Philadelphia vs. NY Giants

Remember when the Eagles tied the Bengals and McNabb made himself look like an idiot? Ah, good times.

Giants 27, Eagles 24

San Diego vs. Pittsburgh

I really want to see Phillip Rivers lose, but I don't want to see Big Ben win. I think I'll be okay if I just see them both get hit a lot.

Steelers 31, Chargers 17

Playoff Picks

2008-12-31T03:03:00.004-05:00

Are you ready for some playoff football? I'll admit, I'm a little confused by what some people are saying. People say every team now has an 0-0 record, if this is true, then why are some teams not in the playoffs? Why do some teams get to play their games at home? Did the regular season even matter? If you can answer these questions, please comment. I hope to get an update on the Favre situation, as well.

Atlanta vs. Arizona

Two heartwarming stories. Two QBs on the complete opposite sides of their careers. One good RB, one terrible one. Oh yeah, and the Cardinals defense is awful. GO MY FALCONS! GO SPREAD THE GLORY OF YOUR VICTORY! Just don't beat any dogs when you celebrate....Get it? Obligatory Michael Vick reference.

Falcons 28, Cardinals 21

Indianapolis vs. San Diego

The Colts should easily win this one. Norv Turner is dumber than...some celebrity that's stupid. Ladanian Tomlinson got old really fast. Phillip Rivers seems like a douche. And the Chargers defense sucks. But, the Chargers give the Colts fits, so I'm worried.

Colts 34, Chargers 31

Baltimore vs. Miami

No one is going to watch this game, so I can put whatever I want here and no one will know if I'm wrong. It's amazing what an actual coach and QB can do for a team like Baltimore...Since no one is looking, Chad Pennington > Brett Favre. That felt gross.

Ravens 10, Dolphins 6

Philadelphia vs. Minnesota

Did you see what happened to the Cowboys? That was funny. BRETT FAVRE!

Eagles 20, Vikings 17

Brett Favre should never retire.

My Fantasy Draft Review

2008-11-26T19:43:00.003-05:00

Because I'm not very creative, I'm going to steal someone's idea. Please don't sue! Now, before I get started, I should mention that my friends are idiots. Like really stupid. I'm 10-2. It's an 8-team league, here you go:

1. Steven Jackson (4)

That was pretty stupid. At least he might be ready for the playoffs! The real playoffs, not that crap the NFL plays for a Super Bowl. All I care about is fantasy football!

2. Marshawn Lynch (13)

Beast Mode is pretty consistent.-Joe Morgan

Anyway, I traded him away a long time ago.

3. Andre Johnson (20)

I thought about taking Braylon Edwards over him. Ha. Ha.

4. Steve Smith (29)

If he would stop punching his teammates, he would probably be the best fantasy WR.

5. Brandon Jacobs (36)

I love this man. But in a totally straight, I'm just a little curious, kind of way.

6. Jason Witten (45)

Whatever.

7. Anthony Gonzalez (52)

What was I thinking? Oh well, I packaged him with another player for Larry Johnson.

8. Minnesota (61)

What a terrible pick.

9. Matt Hasselbeck (68)

I thought I was getting a steal.

10. Stephen Gostkowski (77)

I don't know why I took a kicker so high.

11. Matt Forte (84)

He was pretty awesome for a few weeks, but then I traded him, Marshawn Lynch, and Lee Evans(who I acquired in another deal I'll talk about later) for Adrian Peterson and Roddy White. I'm so cool.

12. Selvin Young (93)

Why did I do this?

13. Chris Chambers (100)

He is the man I traded with Anthony Gonzalez for Larry Johnson and Lee Evans.

14. Marc Bulger (109)

*giggles*

15. Todd Heap (116)

*giggles again*

16. Ted Ginn Jr. (125)

Yeah....

So, there's my draft. Don't worry about my QB situation, I was able to pick up Kurt Warner. Here's my team, the Sorgilicious Sorgis:

QB-Warner
WR- Andre Johnson, Roddy White, Steve Smith
RB-Steven Jackson, Adrian Peterson
TE- Jason Witten
W/R- Brandon Jacobs
K-Gostkowski
DEF-Eagles
Bench-Slaton, LJ, Bowe, Delhomme, Chester Taylor

Did I mention that my friends are idiots?

2008 NFL Week 13 Picks

2008-11-26T19:20:00.004-05:00

Tennessee vs. Detroit

This is going to be boring. The NFL should've chosen a team that would put up 80 on the Lions. The Titans aren't nearly exciting enough....unless Kerry Collins plays drunk. That would be fun.

Titans 31, Lions 3

Seattle vs. Dallas

Why?

Cowboys 35, Seahawks 14

Arizona vs. Philadelphia

Seriously, the NFL sucks at picking Thanksgiving games. Please, go spend time with your family.

Cardinals 38, Eagles 20

Baltimore vs. Cincinnati

There are so many jokes I could make about these teams, but I just can't think of one. If you have one, post it in the comments section. The best one will win my respect.

Ravens 24, Bengals 10

Miami vs. St. Louis

Chad Pennington is carrying one of my fantasy teams. Don't laugh, please.

Dolphins 31, Rams 14

San Francisco vs. Buffalo

Okay, this week officially sucks.

Bills 20, 49ers 17

Carolina vs. Green Bay

Finally, a matchup of two good teams that are imploding. Yay?

Panthers 24, Packers 21

New Orleans vs. Tampa Bay

This is the game where Drew Brees looks like a fool.

Buccaneers 28, Saints 10

NY Giants vs. Washington

Hey Brandon Jacobs, you almost killed me last week. Thanks for pretending you were all right, douche. Just kidding, you've been pretty awesome this year.

Giants 35, Redskins 24

Indianapolis vs. Cleveland

Brady Quinn CANNOT be done! I will not allow it! It hurts so much! I already miss him.

Colts 38, Browns 17

Atlanta vs. San Diego

As much as I hate the Chargers, they have to win this game. Please win.

Chargers 24, Falcons 20

Pittsburgh vs. New England

The new Tom Brady is going to look like a fool now that he finally has to play a good defense.

Steelers 28, Patriots 10

NY Jets vs. Denver

I feel bad for the Broncos. Losing to this guy can't be fun.

Jets 35, Broncos 24

Kansas City vs. Oakland

Whatever.

Chiefs 27, Raiders 14

Chicago vs. Minnesota

For some reason, Adrian Peterson loves playing the Bears. Unfortunately for AP, Brad Childress also likes to avoid giving AP the ball.

Vikings 42, Bears 28

Jacksonville vs. Houston

Ahman Green is dead! Fantasy owners of Steve Slaton rejoice!

Texans 28, Jaguars 24

2008 NFL Week 12 Picks Part 2

2008-11-23T01:18:00.004-05:00

Houston vs. Cleveland

Let me tell you an inspirational story about a quarterback that nobody believed in. When he grew up, nobody gave him a shot. He was the star quarterback on his high school team, but nobody thought he was the one. No one. He went on to play college football at some Indiana school. Nobody gave him a chance there. They didn't even let him play in the BCS Championship Game just because he got beat by this guy. The nonbelievers didn't even give him a shot at the Heisman. But this man wouldn't quit, even after all this trouble football had caused him. He showed up for the NFL Draft, only to get passed on for lesser, more pathetic, football players. He almost gave up. But no, he believed in himself and now he's a star. Yes, this is the true story of Brady Quinn.

But some people still don't believe. I am one of those people.

Texans 31, Browns 17

Buffalo vs. Kansas City

Trent Edwards has really started sucking, but Marshawn Lynch is looking better.

Bills 24, Chiefs 17

New England vs. Miami

The Tom Brady Era is over...hopefully.

Patriots 21, Dolphins 14

NY Jets vs. Tennessee

Brett Favre's going to be crying at the end of this game.........well, more than usual.

Titans 20, Bretts 13

Philadelphia vs. Baltimore

McNabb is really, really stupid. How did he not know the rules? Also, Brian Westbrook will literally explode if he gets hit by Ray Lewis.

Eagles 17, Ravens 10

San Francisco vs. Dallas

TO returns to face off against his old team and no one cares. TO is going have to do something crazy to get attention.

Cowboys 34, 49ers 24

Tampa Bay vs. Detroit

I think the Lions should rest their starters. They need to save them for the big Thanksgiving game. A big holiday win would turn this team around.

Buccaneers 28, Lions 7

Minnesota vs. Jacksonville

Okay Vikings, just give the ball to Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor. Don't ever let Gus Frerotte touch the ball. Seriously, it's not that hard.

Vikings 31, Jaguars 21

Chicago vs. St. Louis

It's sad how pathetic a matchup this is. A real fight between a bear and a ram would be friggin' sweet.

Bears 27, Rams 6

Oakland vs. Denver

Whatever.

Broncos 24, Raiders 10

Carolina vs. Atlanta

The Panthers should let Jake Delhomme throw the ball more. I need Steve Smith to score me fantasy points.

Panthers 35, Falcons 21

NY Giants vs. Arizona

I'm pretty sure Brandon Jacobs isn't human. I'm really not sure what he could be.

Giants 42, Cardinals 35

Washington vs. Seattle

I just fell asleep typing this. And yes, I can type while I sleep. I'm riding a unicorn in my dream.

Redskins 21, Seahawks 10

Indianapolis vs. San Diego

Bob Sanders isn't playing, but LT is suffering from a disease known as Norv Turner. The Colts should just do what they've been doing the past few weeks: Winning. It's a lot better than their old strategy of losing.

Colts 27, Chargers 24

Green Bay vs. New Orleans

I'd kind of like to see Drew Brees get intercepted a lot. I don't really know why.

Packers 38, Saints 24

2008 NFL Week 12 Picks Part 1

2008-11-20T19:31:00.003-05:00

Cincinnati vs. Pittsburgh

This is going to be really boring. I will not be watching this. The Office, 30 Rock, It's Always Sunny, and then it's off to bed.

Steelers 38, Bengals 9

I totatlly promise to start posting more starting next week. I have plenty of time during Thanksgiving because nobody loves me, therefore no one can steal my posting time. I will be having a good time watching the....Lions.

Actually, I think the Cardinals play Thursday night, that should be fun.

2008 NFL Week 11 Picks Part 2

2008-11-14T19:11:00.004-05:00

Houston vs. Indianapolis

Sage Rosenfels probably doesn't want to play this team again.

Colts 35, Texans 17

Denver vs. Atlanta

Roddy White and Matt Ryan are good. Real good. The Broncos defense is kind of not good. Like, not even good for a high school team.

Falcons 38, Broncos 24

Oakland vs. Miami

Darren McFadden has been injured for basically the whole year because he's having problems with his toe. Does anyone else think he just doesn't want to play for the Raiders?

Dolphins 28, Raiders 6

Baltimore vs. NY Giants

I'd really like to see Brandon Jacobs injure one of those douchebag linebackers on the Ravens. Seriously, Ray Lewis and friends have to be the most annoying group of players in a long time. They better not hurt Jacobs or I will get revenge.

Giants 20, Ravens 10

Detroit vs. Carolina

After sucking against Oakland, Jake Delhomme better improve greatly this week. If he has two terrible games in a row against the Lions and Raiders, he should probably leave the NFL forever.

Panthers 42, Lions 14

Philadelphia vs. Cincinnati

Why bother?

Eagles 38, Bengals 20

Chicago vs. Green Bay

Kyle Orton vs. Aaron Rodgers. Two QBs that were basically hated at the beginning of the season. Now, they are loved. I think that makes them blood brothers or something, either way, they shouldn't play this game.

Bears 24, Packers 21

New Orleans vs. Kansas City

Larry Johnson is back! I hope he gets hurt.

Saints 35. Chiefs 31

Tampa Bay vs. Minnesota

It took the Vikings three quarters to realize Adrian Peterson could run all over the Packers. Gus Frerotte should never touch the ball. Ever. Too bad the Buccaneers can stop the run. It's going to be a long day for Gus.

Buccaneers 27, Vikings 13

San Francisco vs. St. Louis

I think Steven Jackson has the same problem as Darren McFadden. He just really doesn't want to play for the Rams. Mike Singletary should stop pulling his pants down and actually try coaching.

49ers 28, Rams 3

Aizona vs. Seattle

I'm not sure if Kurt Warner's actually any good. He could just chuck the ball downfield and pray that one of his WRs catch it. They probably would. He has some amazing WRs, too bad he doesn't have a Hall of Fame RB.

Cardinals 38, Seahawks 16

Pittsburgh vs. San Diego

Norv Turner is a really, really bad coach.

Steelers 24, Chargers 17

Tennessee vs. Jacksonville

Meh, I've already made fun of the Jaguars enough. Jack Del Rio still sucks, though.

Titans 30, Jaguars 13

Dallas vs. Washington

Tony Romo is back! But I think he should be on the hot seat, Brad Johnson deserves another shot.

Redskins 27, Cowboys 24

Buffalo vs. Cleveland

I really hope Brady Quinn sucks. What happened to the entire Bills offense? Lee Evans and Marshawn Lynch have begun to suck.

Bills 17, Browns 14

Fire Joe Morgan has come to an end.

2008-11-13T21:40:00.003-05:00

No no no no no no. This can't be happening. This is just awful. I can't believe it's over. It can't be. WHY GOD WHY!?!?!?!?!

WHY!

This is an awful day for sports.

2008 NFL Week 11 Picks Part 1

2008-11-13T18:44:00.003-05:00

New England vs. NY Jets

It's probably a good thing Tom Brady isn't playing in this game. A matchup of Tom Brady and Brett Favre in a game that will help decide the division? That's just too much awesome for the universe to handle.

Jets 24, Pats 14 BRETT FAVRE

2008 NFL Week 10 Picks Part 2

2008-11-07T18:55:00.004-05:00

OMG Brady Quinn is amazing!

Tennessee vs. Chicago

This could actually be a decent game...if Kyle Orton plays. I really hope he doesn't. Rex Grossman will look so goofy against this defense.

Titans 24, Bears 10

Jacksonville vs. Detroit

So, that's about 4 straight years that the Jaguars have been ESPN's team...they must have some Super Bowl wins or division titles, right? Really? None? You've got to be kidding me...wait, who am I talking to?

Lions 20, Jaguars 13

Baltimore vs. Houston

Sage Rosenfels isn't that much worse at passing than Matt Schaub. Too bad he can't hold on to the ball to save his life.

Ravens 21, Texans 17

Buffalo vs. New England

Fred Jackson is probably going get some death threats from Marshawn Lynch fantasy owners.

Bills 27, Patriots 17

New Orleans vs. Atlanta

This should be a fun game with no defense.

Falcons 42, Saints 38

Seattle vs. Miami

BORING.

Dolphins 28, Seahawks 13

Green Bay vs. Minnesota

I thought this two teams were supposed to be pretty good before the season? What happened?

Vikings 35, Packers 31

St. Louis vs. NY Jets

Who's going to play RB for the Rams? Well, it doesn't really matter. Brett Favre is on the other team. A thousand Steven Jacksons couldn't stop Brett Favre. BRETT FAVRE!

Jets 45, Rams 14

Carolina vs. Oakland

I heard Jim Harbaugh might be the Raiders next coach. I really hope that's not true. I really like Harbaugh and I would not wish that on my greatest nemesises(nemesi?). Also, could the Raiders actually get negative yards this game?

Panthers 24, Raiders 3

Kansas City vs. San Diego

Larry Johnson could be back soon. I hope the defense spits on him a lot after they tackle them. I just want to clarify, I don't find that sort of thing kinky...it's just, he spit on a woman, so it'd be good punishment. Also, try breaking his leg or something.

Chargers 31, Chiefs 28

Indianapolis vs. Pittsburgh

Willie Parker's hurt(shocker), Ben Roethlisbeger's arm is about to fall off, Addai and Sanders are back, and the Colts desperately need a win. These are all the ingredients for a Colts win. I just happened to leave out the part where I mention how good the rest of the Steelers team is. Ignore that.

Colts 21, Steelers 18

NY Giants vs. Philadelphia

Considering they have McNabb, Westbrook, and Brown, is there a more injury prone team in the NFL than the Eagles?

Giants 31, Eagles 24

Arizona vs. San Francisco

Having confidence in a Cardinals team is a strange feeling. It might be since they're playing the 49ers, but the point still kinda stands.

Cardinals 35, 49ers 13

2008 NFL Week 10 Picks Part 1

2008-11-06T16:59:00.003-05:00

OH CRAP! There's a game tonight! I am so sorry for the delay, the rest of the picks will be coming out later tonight or tomorrow...or maybe Saturday, my editor(my dog) isn't really forcing me to write much recently.

Cleveland vs. Denver

OMGZ!!!1!!! Brady Quinn is starting! He is like Zac Efron combined with Tom Brady!!! Perfection! I can literally not wait for this game. I haven't slept since I heard the news. My life will now officially have meaning.

Broncos 31, Browns 14

2008 NFL Week 9 Picks

2008-10-31T15:33:00.005-04:00

Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. ESPN and SI have both been fighting trying to hire me, but I told them my place is with you people. So please, be more nice to me now. Anyway, on with the picks!

NY Jets vs. Buffalo

The Jets should have just kept Chad Pennington. He's not a douche like Favre.

Bills 24, Jets 13

Jacksonville vs. Cincinnati

I would just like to apologize for what I said about Favre. That was completely unprofessional and I am sorry. I will never do something so awful every again. I hope all of my fans will stay with me.

Jaguars 27, Bengals 10

Baltimore vs. Cleveland

The Quinn-Anderson QB controversy is pretty pathetic. Has there ever been this big a debate over two horrible QBs?

Ravens 17, Browns 10

Houston vs. Minnesota

This going to end up being Andre Johnson vs. Adrian Peterson. Not literally, but...yeah.

Vikings 38, Texans 31

Detroit vs. Chicago

I really wish Rex Grossman would come back. I would pay some money to watch Orlovsky-Grossman.

Bears 42, Lions 13

Tampa Bay vs. Kansas City

Tyler Thigpen looked good against the Jets. But, I could probably look good against the Jets.

Buccaneers 28, Chiefs 16

Arizona vs. St. Louis

Donnie Avery is really good. Let's hope Marc Bulger doesn't ruin him. Kurt Warner probably has the easiest job in the world. Just chuck it in the air and either Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin, or Steve Breaston will probably catch it.

Cardinals 45, Rams 31

Green Bay vs. Tennessee

Scratch that, Kerry Collins has the easiest job. Just give the ball to that fat guy or Chris Johnson.

Titans 24, Packers 21

Miami vs. Denver

The wildcat isn't working anymore. I guess people listened to me. Too bad for them, Chad Pennington's good all the sudden. Ronnie Brown should still have a good game, because the Broncos defense sucks.

Dolphins 28, Broncos 24

Dallas vs. NY Giants

Brad Johnson really, really sucks.

Giants 31, Cowboys 14

Philadelphia vs. Seattle

This should be boring.

Eagles 28, Seahawks 10

Atlanta vs. Oakland

The Falcons aren't very funny this year. They have a great rookie QB, a RB that's good against crappy teams, and a WR that is just plain awesome.

Falcons 24, Raiders 7

New England vs. Indianapolis

The Colts planned on being healthy this week and then Marlin Jackson injures his knee. Screw you, universe!

Colts 35, Patriots 24

Washington vs. Pittsburgh

There will be a presidential debate thingy on during halftime. That has a chance to be the most exciting part of this game.

Redskins 21, Steelers 20

2008 NFL Week 8 Picks

2008-10-24T19:20:00.004-04:00

Oakland vs. Baltimore

I really feel sorry for anyone that gets stuck watching this game.

Ravens 17, Raiders 10

Arizona vs. Carolina

Kurt Warner should be throwing all day. That'll mean he'll probably get 3 TDs, but he also probably throw 5 INTs and maybe fumble a few times. Boldin's return should make a difference, but he's still not even eating real food and he isn't a going to help that awful defense. Steve Smith should have over 150 yards and a few TDs in this one.

Panthers 35, Cardinals 24

Tampa Bay vs. Dallas

Jeff Garcia is probably the next to get hurt. There's a curse out there attacking any player that has a celebrity girlfriend. TO is about to go completely insane. He is definitely not getting enough attention.

Buccaneers 24, Cowboys 13

Washington vs. Detroit

I really hope Shaun Alexander starts this game. I know it might have been a mistake, but I drafted him first overall in my fantasy league. I thought he'd be a good sleeper. You know, he was MVP a few years ago.

Redskins 42, Lions 6

Buffalo vs. Miami

After watching Ronnie Brown get stopped by the Ravens, I bet the Dolphins have something really crazy ready for us on Sunday.

Bills 17, Dolphins 14

St. Louis vs. New England

If Steven Jackson doesn't play, will the Rams offense even do anything? It could get confusing for Bulger. If he does play, he should run all over a Patriots defense that isn't really that good. At least I don't think they are.

Rams 24, Patriots 21

San Diego vs. New Orleans

Having a football game in England is so stupid. No one over there even cares. It's probably going to be a sloppy, crappy game. At least they'll get to watch LT's decline.

Chargers 20, Saints 17

Kansas City vs. NY Jets

Larry Johnson is a giantic douche.

Jets 31, Chiefs 7

Atlanta vs. Philadelphia

I don't want to talk about this game, but I do want to talk about something else. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the funniest show on TV. It's so stupid, but it's just amazing.

Eagles 35, Falcons 21

Cincinnati vs. Houston

The Bengals should've just kept Rudi Johnson. Also, Carson Palmer sucks. Steve Slaton is going to be a pretty good RB.

Texans 45, Bengals 10

Cleveland vs. Jacksonville

Browns fans this week: Brady! Brady! Brady!
Browns fans next week: Oh crap, Brady kinda sucks. Derek! Derek! Derek!
It's an endless cycle.

Jaguars 24, Browns 13

NY Giants vs. Pittsburgh

Brandon Jacobs vs. the Steelers defense should be fun to watch. Also, Big Ben is probably going to die in this game.

Giants 27, Steelers 24

Seattle vs. San Francisco

Seneca Wallace vs. JT O'Sullivan. Wow.

49ers 17, Seahawks 14

Indianapolis vs. Tennessee

This is going to get ugly very early. I'm not sure if I'll watch it.

Titans 31, Colts 17

Things I think I might have considered thinking if I was thinking about what I could possibly think about Sunday

2008-10-19T21:29:00.006-04:00

Buffalo vs. San Diego

Willis McGahee was right when he said Buffalo was boring. They can't even get the electricity to work in their stadium! Oh yeah, Norv Turner is a terrible coach. Like really bad.

Carolina vs. New Orleans

Drew Brees is not God. At least, not yet.

Minnesota vs. Chicago

I have no idea what was going on in this game. I do know that it was hilarious watching the Vikings punter trying to punt it twice, and then he just kept trying to kick it. Way to go, man.

Pittsburgh vs. Cincinnati

The Bengals suck. Mewelde Moore has a funny first name.

Tennessee vs. Kansas City

The Titans are the best team in the AFC. I didn't learn that from this game, but I did learn it.

Baltimore vs. Miami

The Ravens listened to me.

San Francisco vs. NY Giants

I didn't learn anything, but I saw that Brandon Jacobs got 69 rushing yards. You can't make that stuff up. That's like Larry the Cable Guy funny.

Dallas vs St. Louis

The Cowboys might be a little overrated. Even without your QB, you have to beat the Rams. I'm finally happy I drafted Steven Jackson.

Detroit vs. Houston

Orlovsky actually kind of knew what he was doing out there. Calvin Johnson is going to be pretty good.

Indianapolis vs. Green Bay

No comment.

NY Jets vs. Oakland

OH DEAR GOD! Coaches, stop calling timeouts right before the kickers kick a field goal! It's not even cute anymore, it's just annoying.

...Brett Favre.

Cleveland vs. Washington

Last week(and last year) was a fluke for the Browns. Derek Anderson really sucks. I think he did good last year because he had such an easy schedule.

Seattle vs. Tampa Bay

Yeah, the Seahawks basically suck.

FINAL THOUGHTS!!!

1. The NFL is as confusing as the title of this post.
2. The NFC East is not as good as some people think.

Are they giving our blood to vampires?

2008-10-18T15:01:00.004-04:00

I've always wanted to know where they put all that blood they get in blood drives. And now, I think I know. I heard that they are giving all the blood to vampires. It all makes sense now. Why else would you only see vampires in the movies? This is the only way to keep them from attacking humans! So please, donate blood.

While I have you here, I'd like to give you my review of 30 Days of Night. It was bad. I guess I just really didn't understand the movie. I mean, why would anyone want to live in Alaska? They should have just moved away. I'm sure they saw the previews, so they knew the vampires were coming. I guess it's true that actors aren't very smart. Also, none of the vampires wore capes, so it was kind of hard to tell the vampires from the humans. And why did that one vampire control the other vampires? I think vampires should follow America's values and have a democracy. Those vampires must've thought they wore in Canada...I'm not sure what they do in Canada, but I'm sure it's insane.

I'm also surprised Sarah Palin didn't make a guest appearance. I was waiting for her to show up all movie.

Grade: C

2008 NFL Week 7 Picks

2008-10-16T19:24:00.006-04:00

San Diego vs. Buffalo

Is LT done as a superstar RB? I doubt it, but it's fun thing for sports guys to talk about. I want to see Phillip Rivers fall apart soon. I've never liked that guy.

Bills 27, Chargers 21

New Orleans vs. Carolina

Drew Brees will probably look kind of human in this game. He's got to slow down, right? Jake Delhomme should have a good game. He better, my fantasy team needs him.

Panthers 28, Saints 17

Minnesota vs. Chicago

After All Day broke my heart last week, I've got a message for him: You're a rookie again, okay? Just pretend. Remember, you're going to destroy the Bears. You have to. Kyle Orton should have another good game, and that's just strange.

Vikings 24, Bears 20

Pittsburgh vs. Cincinnati

I don't have any of these guys on my fantasy team, so you don't have to hear me cry about how I need a big game from them.

Steelers 31, Bungles (get it?) 10

Tennessee vs. Kansas City

Larry Johnson will not be playing in this game. I'm not sure what the Chiefs are going to do. They can't throw it to Dwayne Bowe every play, can they? I guess they could.

Titans 35, Chiefs 9

Baltimore vs. Miami

I have a little secret for Baltimore's defense: The Dolphins are going to give the ball to Ronnie Brown. That's pretty much all they're going to do. Don't get fooled by the trick plays.

Miami 49, Baltimore 3 (they didn't listen)

San Francisco vs. NY Giants

Giants are going to be looking for revenge. They need redemption. They are hungry for victory. They want to get the bad taste out of their mouths...etc.(you know, all the crap people say whenever a team gets upset.)

Giants 38, 49ers 17

Dallas vs. St. Louis

Tony Homo (I'm on FIRE!!!) shouldn't hurry back. No reason risking it against the Rams. Just give the ball to Marion Barber a bunch. I'm pretty sure most the Rams starters didn't even play on their own high school team, so the Cowboys should be fine.

Cowboys 31, Rams 14

Detroit vs. Houston

So I was wrong about All Day last week...but Steve Slaton is going to go crazy on the Lions. So is Andre Johnson. And Kevin Walter. And probably Owen Daniels.

Texans 41, Lions 21

Indianapolis vs. Green Bay

Joseph Addai's out, but Rhodes should be able to do decent against a bad running defense. This is Grant's last chance to prove last year wasn't a fluke.

Colts 28, Packers 24

NY Jets vs. Oakland

I honestly don't care what happens in this game

Jets 20ish, Oakland....who cares, they're probably going to lose badly

Cleveland vs. Washington

Derek Anderson will go back to sucking. Braylon Edwards will go back to being a bust. Redskins win handily. All is right in the universe.

Redskins 24, Browns 13

Seattle vs. Tampa Bay

This was just an awful, awful choice for Sunday Night Football.

Buccaneers 28, Seahawks 6

Denver vs. New England

It's fun watching the Patriots get murdered. I hope that happens again.

Broncos 38, Patriots 10

101 WMNFLBL: #100

2008-10-15T16:10:00.005-04:00

100. Have the football randomly shoot out spikes.

Okay now, hear me out. You know how on the old video games, like Sonic, at some areas there would be spikes that just shot out of the ground? That would be a great thing for the NFL. The players wouldn't know what to expect. You could actually see some of them crying in fear. The players wouldn't know when the spikes would shoot out, that's part of the fun. It'd make the league so zany (that's a word, right?) and unpredictable!

Let me run a scenario by you...

It's Bengals-Browns. 35-31, the Browns are winning. The Bengals have the ball, it's fourth down, 0:01 left in the fourth quarter. Palmer just threw a deep pass into the endzone to Chad Johnson. No one's there to cover him...what should Chad Johnson do?

A. Catch the ball.
B. Drop it so he doesn't get hurt by the spikes that could shoot out.
C. Pull out a mirror and stare at himself.

See, it's fun!

NFL Week 7 Power Rankings

2008-10-14T16:58:00.007-04:00

1. Titans- They have an amazing defense and a good running game, but will they be distracted by the suspension of their old friend and leader, Pacman? Probably not. Don't you hate it when writers answer their own questions?

2. Giants-That was a very pathetic game. I'm not really sure what happened, but I do know one thing: The Giants need to give Brandon Jacobs the ball more. If they don't, it could kill my fantasy team.

3. Bills- If Marshawn Lynch stays healthy and Trent Edwards continues to develop, this could be an extremely exciting offense in a few years.

4. Steelers- The Terrible Towel has become very annoying.

5. Redskins- I really have no idea what happened to them. Losing to the Rams just doesn't even make sense. Maybe they felt bad for the Rams.

6. Buccaneers- Pretty good team.

7. Cowboys- I thought the NFC East was supposed to be amazing? It's been good, but I don't think it's the best.

8. Colts- They finally looked like the Colts I know and love, though I'm not sure if that will last more than one week. CROSS YOUR FINGERS!!!

9. Panthers- They looked pretty bad against Tampa, but I think they'll turn it around. And if not, I want to see Steve Smith punch DeAngelo Williams. Nothing against DeAngelo, he just the first person I thought of.

10. Cardinals- This really feels weird. I can't even type anything else about this. It's all too strange.

11. Chargers- They looked great against the Patriots, but this team is so random every week. Besides, their fans were booing when they were up by 20. That's obnoxious.

12. Broncos- A terrible defense and a great offense. This is a fun team to watch.

13. Eagles- I don't know about this team. If Mr. Glass (that's my clever nickname for Brian Westbrook) can stay healthy, they'll be good. But I doubt that will happen. And McNabb still has to have his annual injury.

14. Falcons- Matt Ryan might actually be good. And I hear he loves dogs, so there are no worries there.

15. Jaguars- Jack Del Rio isn't a good coach.

16. Jets- BRETT FAVRE

17. Saints- If Drew Brees got hurt, this team would be ruined. Of course that's totally hypothetical, it's not like I'm planning anything.

18. Patriots- I'm thinking Tom Brady is pretty important to this team.

19. Bears- Depressing loss, but have they finally found a decent QB?

20. Packers- Why aren't they a better team? Simple: Brett Favre.

21. Vikings- Stupid AP fumbles twice and doesn't even get a TD against the Lions...THE LIONS!!!

22. Ravens- They picked a bad week to play the Colts.

23. Browns- That was probably a random good game. Probably....hopefully....I need my Brady Quinn! He is sooooooo amazing! I bought a few gallons of EAS just so I could pretend to be him.

24. 49ers- Meh, this is the part of the rankings where I don't have much to say.

25. Dolphins- Ronnie Brown seriously should be starting QB. Pennington has no purpose.

26. Texans- This team isn't as bad as their record would make it seem, but their record is still really bad.

27. Seahawks- I'm pretty sure this team is dead.

28. Rams- You could flip a coin to decide these last few spots. I didn't.

29. Chiefs- Larry Johnson probably hates life.

30. Raiders- Al Davis gives me nightmares.

31. Bengals- Chad Johnson should probably shut up now.

32. Lions- LOL Dan Orlovsky

You've got to love the Lions

2008-10-13T18:42:00.004-04:00

Magical Adventures of ESPNEWS

2008-10-11T15:06:00.005-04:00

This is something I wrote a long time ago. It's very strange...

Kevin Negandhi: Welcome to ESPNEWS!

Michael Kim: We’ve got a lot to get to today so let’s start with the World Series!

Kevin Negandhi: (talking in the most annoying voice ever, showing he is obviously full of himself) The matchup is one for the ages, Boston Red Sox v.s. New York Yank-what? Umm…it appears to say Colorado Rockies! I’ve never actually heard of this team before…

Michael Kim: Lets go to the NFL!

Kevin Negandhi: In the NFL today, the New England Patriots played the New England Patriots in a scrimmage. The Patriots won 56-7. Tom Brady tore apart the second string team today. He is definitely showing how great he is!

Michael Kim: In other news, Bill Belichick today said,” We are no doubt the best team in the league. But I’m going to continue to say we’re eating humble pie because the media believes all this crap!!!”

Kevin Negandhi: Tom Brady was asked how awesome he was today. Here is his response. ” Am I the greatest ever? Yes. Am I humble? No doubt! I would also like to mention how beautiful I think I am! I just want to kiss myself!”

Michael Kim: That was a weird qoute…

Kevin Negandhi: Well, I would kiss him too…that is, if he ever let me…

Michael Kim: ...

Kevin Negandhi: ....

Michael Kim: ...

Kevin Negandhi: ...

Michael Kim:...

Kevin Negandhi: We’ll be right back after the break!!!

(after break)

Kevin Negandhi: (in same annoying voice) Welcome back to ESPNEWS!

Michael Kim: Ni Flo Byop Delw Qzware Pioedurdwwqp!

Kevin Neganhi: That’s right, Michael! We have a special guest today! Joining us via his cell phone is the one and only Terry Francona!

Michael Kim: Myrei Kdifew Miordkeiw Hgriecfdwo!

Terry Francona: umm…what?

Kevin Negandhi: Ignore him, he questioned Tom Brady, which meant he had to face ESPN’s wrath! BWAHA- err…I mean… he’s just got a sore throat.

Terry Francona: Oh, I see.

Kevin Negandhi: So, your team, the Boston Red Sox, is in the World Series! How does that make you feel?

Terry Francona: It feels pretty good.

Kevin Negandhi: All of America has another question for you. Why are you playing the Colorado Rockies?

Terry Francona: Well, they won the NL and we won the AL so that means we play in the World Series.

Kevin Negandhi: Well, why aren’t you playing the Yankees? I mean, wouldn’t that be more entertaining?

Terry Francona: I guess, but that isn’t possible. Do you know anything about baseball?

Kevin Negandhi: Of course I do! I could show you how much I know, but we have one more question for you! How great is Tom Brady?

Terry Francona: Why are you asking that? Why don’t you ask questions about the World Series?

Kevin Negandhi: (in demonic voice) May I remind you, Mr. Francona, that I am the ONLY one asking the questions!

Terry Francona: (in scared, little kid voice) Okay, I’ll answer your question. What was it again?

Kevin Negandhi: How great is Tom Brady?

Terry Francona: He is extremely talented, but I’d still have to say I’d take Manning over Brady.

Kevin Negandhi: ...

Terry Francona: What? Was there something wrong with my answer?

Kevin Negandhi: We’ll be right back after the break!

(After the Break)

Kevin Negandhi: We’re back and right now we’re joined by new manager of the Red Sox, Manny Ramirez!

Manny Ramirez: What did you just say?

Kevin Negandhi: Quit fooling around!!!

Manny Ramirez: Sorry, it’s just Manny being Manny…

Kevin Negandhi: First question, how good is Tom Brady?

Manny Ramirez: Well…

Michael Kim: Mtrmbod!

2008 NFL Week 6 Picks

2008-10-09T22:49:00.005-04:00

Chicago vs. Atlanta
Michael Turner broke his streak of bad game-good game-bad game-good game, so he's probably going to do awful. But then again, he's really confusing right now. Matt Forte is going to have a lot of fun.

Chicago 31, Atlanta 14

Miami vs. Houston
I have a really good idea. The Dolphins should run a trick play where they hike it to Chad Pennington. The defense would have no idea what's going on.

Dolphins 24, Texans 21

Detroit vs. Minnesota
Adrian Peterson may run for so many yards that it literally tears a hole in the universe. Definitely something to keep an eye on.

Vikings 35, Lions 10

Oakland vs. New Orleans
If Oakland loses this game, Al Davis should fire the head coach, re-hire Lane Kiffin, and then fire him again to show him a lesson. Then, he should probably find his pants.

Saints 38, Raiders 24

Cincinnati vs. NY Jets
Is this the curse of Chad Ocho Cinco? And will Chris Perry be able to hold onto the football?

Jets 27, Cincinnati 21

Carolina vs. Tampa Bay
There's really nothing funny about either of these teams....Jon Gruden's crazy!!! Alright, I still got it!

Panthers 20. Buccaneers 17

St. Louis vs. Washington
Will the bye week help the Rams fix their problems? In short, no. We'll see if Steven Jackson can take down the Redskins.

Redskins 28, Rams 17

Baltimore vs. Indianapolis
Is Sage Rosenfels the Ravens QB? No, well then, they're in trouble. No Bob Sanders means Willis McGahee is going to go crazy.

*UPSET SPECIAL*
Ravens 21, Colts 20

Jacksonville vs. Denver
MJD should go off against Denver's horrid run D, but the Jaguars offense is allergic to MJD...

Broncos 20, Jaguars 17

Dallas vs. Arizona
I don't care what the over/under is for this game, just choose the over. It's going to be a fun game to watch.

Cowboys 45, Cardinals 38

Philadelphia vs. San Francisco
Even if Mr. Glass doesn't play, the Eagles should run away with this game. Well, not run away, because Buckhalter would be starting, but you know what I mean.

Eagles 31, 49ers 13

Green Bay vs. Seattle
The Packers haven't looked very impressive recently, but the Seahawks have looked terrible. The Packers should put a picture of Brandon Jacobs on their jersey, that would definitely scare the Seahawks.

Packers 28, Seahawks 24

New England vs. San Diego
Tom Brady vs. Drew Bre-....this matchup was more exciting a few years ago.

Chargers 21, Patriots 14

NY Giants vs. Cleveland
After watching the Giants-Seahawks game, I'm worried the Giants might actually kill some of the Browns players. The Derek Anderson-Brady Quinn debate is starting to heat up. It doesn't matter who they choose, they're still going to suck.

Giants 49, Browns 17

101 WMNFLBL: #101

2008-10-09T15:47:00.004-04:00

101. Give players weapons

Now, I know this sounds a little crazy, but it could work out great. RBs could have knives and instead of stiff-arming someone, they could stab them! The offensive linemen could have a ring of fire. They just pour some gasoline on the line of scrimmage and when the QB hikes it, the center throws a match down to give the line some extra protection.

Are you tired of having field goals blocked? Well, that won't happen any longer when we give the holders a pistol! I don't think anyone will go near the kicker when they see the holder is ready to bust a cap (that's still a phrase the hip, young kids use, right?).

Also, are you tired of timeouts making the game take too long? Well, if we gave each team three grenades per game, we wouldn't have to give them timeouts. Think about the possibilities! You could use great strategies here! Do you hit the star player so he can't play anymore? Or do you hit a random player on the field so you get an injury timeout? The possibilities are endless!

By the way, I don't think the NFL would allow them to kill people, so I guess the grenades would have to be stun grenades. The guns would have to be paintball guns. If you used a knife, you'd have to stab them in the arm or leg. Stupid babies can't handle the risk. Oh, but the fire will still be legit!

101 Ways to Make the NFL a Better League

2008-10-09T15:44:00.002-04:00

I will be making posts telling you ways to make the league better. It will be a very long series of posts, I hope you're ready! And if you're not, I'm sorry.

Hello

2007-09-19T16:23:00.000-04:00

Welcome to my Blog.